Master of my domain
Since giving up smoking I have needed something to do with my hands. And time.
Something to obsess about. Cause that is how I roll.
So I have replaced that disgusting habit with two things, that unfortunately I cannot do whenever I want lest I get arrested or be unable to fit through the door.
Sex and food.
As you do.
Thankfully, Australia is currently in the grip of MasterChef mania, so I am all about showing off my culinary skillz.
And Matt is enough to make me NOT think about sex for at least half an hour (for fucks sake dude, wash your damn hair and look in a fucking mirror. WHITE pants? WHITE? *vomit*)
*shudder*
So I have been trawling the internetz and dusting off the cookbooks and getting down and dirty in the kitchen with my knife. Laksa and kofta, indian curries and chimichangas, parfait and lemon fucking ANYTHING, have graced our menu of late.
Mouthgasms, followed by the other… *snigger* makes Kelley one happy girl.
Now excuse me MasterChef is on and I have a Quarter Pounder something gourmet calling my name…
P.S. I am indulging in a little Margarita madness tonight and answering your burning questions of late. Like what happened to the Ninja colluding Too? Did Boo murder me with an axe? What happened with MPS? and Did Moo’s jumper ever get washed?
If you have any burning questions and I have left you hanging, unable to sleep at night, now is the time to ask.
While I am drunk and horny.
OK, just drunk. I keep looking at that pic of Matt. Bitch PLEASE!
The calm before the storm
This morning, as I stepped out the door I noticed the air did not have the chill I had become accustomed to. Rather, it was mild, not at all warm wrap and boot weather.
As I drove into work the announcer declared that it was to be 20C today but don’t get too used to it, it is only the calm before the storm.
At work the topic of conversation swung to the lovely weather and the birds congregating in the trees outside our window.
It is only the calm before the storm some said.
Oh, they have no idea.
At Christmas, Boo decided that he was going to make a movie. The Power Rangers Christmas movie.
In July.
Boo has talked about nothing else for the last SIX MONTHS.
This person will be this character and they will say this and wear that.
And in a couple of hours it will be the first of July.
And I have to break my boys heart when I explain to him, yet again, that all the kids from school are not coming to make his movie. That Steven Spielberg and the whole staff of Pixar are not coming and I was unable to secure an empty movie studio to film his movie.
And the spinoff series.
He made some props today.
A six foot tall bow and arrow, a spear and an axe.
A storm is brewing people. If you need me I will be cowering under the bed.
Well, hello lover…
I have lusted after you for years.
Dreaming of one day holding you in my hands, gently stroking my hand down your shaft.
My whole body shudders at the thought of owning you, possessing you, waking up knowing that you are there waiting for me.
Today I decided to take the plunge. To give in to my desires.
To possess you.
Right now you are waiting for me in the other room. I cannot wait to release you, like a gift to myself, grab hold of you and get you down right dirty.
Oh lover. How you satisfy me.
Worth. Every. Fucking. Cent.
Kitchen shit turns me on. What can I say… *snigger*
Now excuse me, my lover and I are about to go and get hot and sweaty in the kitchen.
Fuck you postman. Or post woman. I mean really, how can you tell these days? No matter what you are offending someone.
This morning I was backing out of the driveway to take Boo to school. We were discussing the virtues of building a rocket to get to America quicker than an aeroplane, cause I had a dream that I went to America to stay the night at Bossy’s house, but she had to take her dog to the vet so I ended up staying at Lotus’s (Lotus’? Lotuses? Lotii’s? Whatever, bewbgirls house…) and we went to a field to pick Reeses Pieces from sunflowers.
Cause that would be awesome.
Boo didn’t like the idea of being cooped up in an aeroplane for hours, hence the rocket theory.
Anyway…
We were chatting and I was being an excellent driver and looking out all my mirrors and driving slowly down the long driveway wondering what shoes one would wear to pick Reeses Pieces from sunflowers, when I came to the end and saw the postman/postlady/postfucker waiting to the side behind the six foot fence that obscures my view.
I waved and she/he/fucker shook its head like I was not in fact an excellent driver but a hoon barrelling out of the drive hoping to hit a puppy or an old person with a walking frame or something…
And I ask you, what is the sport in that? It is only 5 points if you hit an oldie with a walking frame. Twenty points if you hit a jogger. Especially one wearing these:
tool
I resisted the urge to flip the bitch on her motorcycle ON THE FUCKING FOOTPATH at 10 to 9 in the morning on a foggy day, lest she decide to not deliver my mail or spit in it or some shit and then as I was driving down the road and looked back in my mirror and it is still fucking shaking its helmet covered head I realised that all the mail I get is bills and bad news and I should have hit the bitch and then reversed over the motorbike.
I reckon I would have got the keys to the city or an Order of Australia or a free donut and chocolate malted milkshake as a thankyou.
Oh come ON! It is funny! Dude will have to grow a thick skin if he wants to date my daughter… Oh and I have a question.
On Sunday morning Moo came to me and asked if The Boyfriend could come over. She is sick with the Man Flu (cause dramatic princesses don’t get colds, they get Man Flu but WORSE!) and had taken the day off work to wallow in her own self pity.
Apparently, The Boyfriend had an accident and was all cut up. Split lip, black eye, the whole shebang and needed to be comforted by Miss Pathetically !!DYING!!
I was a little concerned, cause I am not a total heartless bitch. Until I found out what happened. Then I was all Bwaaaaa haaaaa haaaaaaaaaa! *deep breath* bwaaaaaaa haaaaa haaaaaa
My reaction didn’t go down well. But I ask you, my lovelies, is this not fucking hilarious or what?
It seems that The Boyfriend was having a hot shower. The fan in The Boyfriends bathroom is not working. The Boyfriend was a little over come with the ’steaminess’ of the bathroom and passed out giving himself a black eye and a split lip in the process.
*snigger*
Moo fawned all over him like he had 2 weeks to live or something, not that he was a big girly man that can’t handle a little steam.
Meh.
The next morning MPS was having a shower and called out ‘Kel! Help! The room is too steamy, I feel faint!’
*snort*
Moo was not impressed.
Fucking funny shit or poor baby got a boo boo traumatic event?
And now for my question. I wandered over to Feedburner, I don’t go over there often cause well, apparently there are stats and shit there and I just don’t wanna know. Ya know? Anyhooha, I went there and noticed this:
The circles and boxes and arrows are my little addition.
And I am all WTF? What is with all the feeds? How the hell do I just make them all one?
Somebody? Somebody?
So to recap:
Is The Boyfriend just a big girly man or victim of a horrific accident that is not getting its due from the heartless Mrs Moo? (and yes, the fucker calls me Mrs Moo. Fucker.)
and
How do I get all my feeds into one? Cause it looks messy, and messy makes me uncomfortable.
